If I'm Not In Love
by trinchardin
Summary: an Aoshi/Misao songfic...angst warning...


Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in Rurouni Kenshin obviously. Neither am I earning anything from this. So PLEASE don't sue me. ...oh and I also don't own this song...I don't know who does...but still I just don't own it, k?!? And if the lyrics aren't written properly, SORRY ok? I wrote them as I heard them.  
  
If I'm Not In Love   
  
If I'm not in love with you what is this I'm going through tonight?  
And if this heart is lying then what should I believe in?  
  
  
*  
Aoshi looked across the dim courtyard of Aoiya. Hidden in the dark shadows, he watched Misao's outline on the wall of her room. Her hand rose and fell as she combed her long hair. Then, the brush was placed down. She blew out the candle and her outline disappeared in the cool velvety darkness of night.  
*  
  
  
Why do I go crazy everytime I think about you baby?  
Why else do I want you like I do?  
If I'm not in love with you...  
  
  
*  
He closed his eyes, sighing softly as he remembered the day everything changed. The day he realized that she wasn't a little girl anymore. She'd grown up into a beatiful young woman and he'd been too blind to see it...until that day.   
  
It had been a month since then yet he remembered it like it was yesterday. She'd come to serve him tea as was their daily ritual. Each detail was imprinted in his mind. Her clothes - surprisingly a kimono, which should have already warned him. Her scent. Her hair. Her smiling face and ill-contained energy. The dropped hints that he'd been too dense to see. And finally the look of annoyance and even hurt in her eyes as she told him what had slipped his mind. It was her birthday and she was finally of age to marry.   
  
She told him what he'd always known yet never acknowledged. She was in love with him. Was it possible that he felt the same way?  
  
He could not speak. For once in his life, he panicked. Had the years gone by so fast that he hadn't noticed how she'd grown? Seeing her as she was now - a hesitant, and yes, even fearful young woman who was beautiful, intelligent, capable - could he say no? She was everything he wanted and here she was waiting anxiously for his reply. She loved him and it would be so easy to say yes. Yet he couldn't find the words to say so. Realizing that he DID love her - that despite all the walls he'd built around his heart she'd touched it like no one ever could - it scared him.  
  
So, he said nothing. And finally when the silence became unbeareable, she'd run out, taking his silence as a no. But, still he saw the crystal tear that streaked down her flushed cheek. He cursed himself for not calling her back but he did not go after her either. He'd hurt her. He'd always hurt her and yet she'd always remained.   
  
But, not now. He'd gone too far.   
*  
  
  
And if I don't need your touch why must I lose so much tonight?  
And if it's just infatuation then why is my heart achin' to hold you forever  
Give a part of me I thought I'd never give to someone I could lose  
If I'm not in love with you...  
  
  
*  
All he'd ever done was hurt her. How could he even think that he was worthy of her? She'd finally gotten the courage to say what had gone unsaid for so long and what did he do? Nothing. The time had finally come when keeping silent was the worst thing that he could've done. Now, she refused to speak to or even be with him.   
  
He sat alone unable to meditate. He could no longer deny his feelings for her. He loved her, but it was too late. He'd finally succeeded in doing what he'd unconciously done since he realized her crush on him. He'd driven her away from him. But, now he needed her and she didn't want anything to do with him.  
  
It was his fault of course. He wanted her back yet did nothing to make it possible. He was afraid that he'd just end up hurting her again. Or worse, she wouldn't want him anymore. That her love had just been a long-drawn childish crush that had finally died in the face of what seemed to be reality. The reality that HE didn't want her. But, he did.   
  
He longed to hear her voice and laugh again. To see her eyes sparkle and lips part in a smile. To smell the scent that was undeniably hers. To touch her soft, warm skin. To hold her close. To tell her he loved her. To hear her say that she loved him too...  
  
But, it was too late.  
*  
  
  
Oh why in every fantasy do I feel your arms embracing me  
Like lover's lost and sweet desire  
And why in dreams do I surrender like a little baby?  
How do I explain this feeling? Someone tell me.  
  
  
*  
He slipped back into his room and lay down on his futon. But, sleep would not come. He looked at the ceiling above him, thinking of her. She was always in his thoughts nowadays. From the moment he rose in the morning to the time his eyes closed in restless sleep, his thoughts were filled with her.  
  
He wished that she was with him now. Safe in his arms where no one could ever hurt her. But, what if he was the one that hurt her? Maybe it was better this way. She deserved someone better than him. Someone who'd take care of her and love her like she deserved to be love. He could not deny what he felt for her, but if she found someone else...he wouldn't stand in her way.   
*  
  
  
If I'm not in love with you what is this I'm going through tonight?  
And if this heart is lying then what should I believe in?  
Why do I go crazy everytime I think about you baby?  
Why else do I want you like I do?  
If I'm not in love with...  
If I'm not in love with...  
If I'm not in love with...you...  
  



End file.
